I and Thou

Close Relationships
  • Sexual Fantasy

    The themes of sexual fantasies are remarkably consistent worldwide and reveal more about innate tendencies than cultural norms. Indeed, most often sexual fantasies are deviant to cultural norms are usually not revealed publicly. Implicit and explicit societal rules are often the enemy of sex and use stories and rules to suppress sexual expressions, enforce taboos and conceal deviant sexual interests.

    Social regulation of sexuality emerges from the competition for sexual partners and the regulation of the gene pool. Fantasies reveal how the desire part of human sexual brain is designed. The cultural history of Europe and North America is characterized by sexual prudery and repression of sexual fantasy in daily conversation and in literature. Authors such as Anais Nin and Henry Miller were lovers and writers of sexual books that originally were black market items, censored or banned. More recently, sexual fantasies have been more fully expressed, but often still in a subculture that thrives adjacent to a “middle class” norm that remains prudish. Pornography thrives and expresses male fantasies in a predictable manner since male fantasies are stereotypic.

    Buss describes the difference in male and female sexual fantasies [i]: ”…men have twice as many fantasies as women…(and) more often include strangers, multiple partners, or anonymous partners. Most men report that during a single episode they sometimes change sexual partners whereas most women report that they rarely change partners. Fantasies about group sex occur in 33% of men but only 18% of women. A typical male fantasy in one man’s description is … "having six or more naked women licking, kissing and fellating me." Male sexual fantasies are visual, focusing on smooth skin and moving body parts…These fantasies reveal a psychology attuned to seeking sexual access to a variety of partners.” When men look at pictures of naked women and videos of sex act, they are immediately aroused. The visual signal is powerful. Seeing a naked women, levels of testosterone rise, erections occur and the man is ready to engage in sex.

    Sexual images directed at men's fantasies explores the preferences for casual sex rather explicitly; the unspoken proviso is that the women involved are paid (hopefully well) for their cooperation in enacting male fantasies. These include fellatio anywhere and everywhere; casual intercourse everywhere and anywhere; two or more men engaging one women and two or more women engaging one man. Group fantasies suggest old primate behavior. A female in heat inspires male competition and a series of male lovers have intercourse with her.

    Women’s sexual fantasies emphasize in contrast a familiar partner, feelings, and romance. Women are "turned on by romance." Women often base their fantasies upon previous sexual experiences. Females are said to prefer erotica with a "softer," more imaginative side rather than the "harder," more explicit forms preferred by many males. Some women claim to have orgasm by fantasy alone, but men never make this claim. Some females do indulge in rough fantasies and enjoy sadomasochistic rituals. In the best case an empowered female will have a greater variety of fantasies than her male counterparts and will explore erotic encounters with other women, dangerous men and group sex. Women's liberation is associated with new erotic fiction aimed at women by women writers and filmmakers and more aggressive, male-like fantasies are more common. Newer female erotica covers the spectrum of lesbian sex and includes male elements of sexuality that may not appeal to all-girl women. Women strap-on a plastic penis and have intercourse with other women. Fingers, hands, and a variety of penis shaped dildos and vibrators are used by women singly, in pairs and groups to simulate male-female intercourse.

    No matter who is doing what to whom, the basic idea of making babies recurs in many the variations of inserting real and fake penises into vaginas and thrusting until orgasm and ejaculation fulfills DNA’s desire for code replication. The penis is replaced by a cucumber, banana or plastic dildo. The plastic penis may vibrate instead of thrust and produce a clitoral orgasm.

    Fantasies are a prerequisite of autoerotic sex or masturbation. Kinsley reported that fantasy accompanied masturbation for the majority (sixty-four percent) of females and all males. Most people will realize that fantasies are fantasies and not seek these experiences in their own bedrooms. Partners may share and act out modest and mutually acceptable fantasies to enhance their enjoyment of sex. Some therapists have found that fantasy can be useful in helping patients overcome sexual problems. There is also a thriving commerce in sexual fantasies, a growth industry for the 21-century.

    Cross gender sexuality is a festival of variations on heterosexuality with every possible combination of male-female hybrids that the imagination can muster. Despite the apparent complexity of inter-gender variations the rules of courtship, bonding and intercourse established in heterosexual mating continue to apply to homosexual relationships. To understand, you just have to allow for discrepancies in body and psychic gender. Kinky sexual expressions range from amusing parodies to grotesque acts with bondage, torture, mutilation and even death.

    The serious student of human sexual behavior will have to grapple with the merging of Eros and Thantos, romance and horror that appears often in movies, books and has been a feature of human rituals and crime as long as history records. The more grotesque details of human history involve sexual arousal associated with torturing and killing other humans.

    [i] Buss, David. The Evolution of Desire. Basic Books (Harper Collins). 1994. Pg 81-83

    • The book, I and Thou, focuses on intimate relationships. Innate tendencies are hard at work when people meet, become lovers and end with arguments and fighting. The same tendencies determine how family members interact and explain why so many families are “dysfunctional.” When lovers form an enduring pair bond, they often become parents and everything changes. Humans seek bonding with others and are distressed when they become isolated. Humans bond to each other in several ways. The most enduring bonds are kin-related, based on closely shared genes. The deepest bonding occurs when mother and infant are together continuously from birth and mother breast-feeds the infant. Bonds among family members are the most enduring. Bonds to friends, lovers and spouses are the next most significant. Bonds to colleagues, neighbors and even strangers that are admired from a distance are next. Friendships are often temporary bonds, based on the need to affiliate with others for protection, social status, feeding, sex and fun.
    • I  and Thou is available in a print and an eBook edition for download.  199 Pages.

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